I've been meaning to write here a lot lately. In fact, I've pulled up this screen several times of the past few days. But it all seems so trite.
I want to write about everything.
I want to savor each funny story and silly saying.
I want to include inside jokes that sadly I've already forgotten.
I want to brag on L to future L and let him know how simply amazing he is.
I want to hide it all and not write a thing and personally, selfishly hold on to every moment.
Today marks the 167th day of our life together.
167 days of silliness, learning, and creating.
167 days of grumpy pants, Farty McFarts, tickle fights, those perfect preschool laughs, and those heart breaking cries.
I hurt him today. His first "serious" injury since moving in and I did it. (Before you get too worried the "serious" pain ended up lasting only about 20 minutes and it is nothing a pack of frozen peas, a band aid, and a caramel apple couldn't fix.)
We were driving home from Aldi around 7:30. It was late but I'd picked up Taco Bell. that should have been an omen. The sun had gone down and the autumn chill was taking a hold. He had his window down. We had been talking about this off and on for the 15 minute journey home.
"I'm starting to get chilly. Can you please roll up your window?"
"I'm not chilly."
"Yes, but I am. Can you please roll it up?"
We were about 2 blocks from home, I glanced back and I rolled up his window. Oh, the joys of electric windows. He immediately got mad and started to roll it back down. "Why did you roll it up? I'm not ready for it to be up?"
"We are almost home. Just leave it up. Leave it alone." I shot back as I hit the child window lock (I've learned to do this to protect my window from going on a carousal ride, as this is an argument that is often had) and rolled the window back up.
I didn't look back.
I just rolled up the window.
I didn't know he had stuck his finger out in that split second!
Now, obviously this isn't the worst thing I could do to the poor kid. I didn't shut his fingers in the door. I didn't... I didn't... (I don't even want to think/talk about other options.) I have friends who had terrible things happen to their children. Sadly, sometimes even at their own (accidental) hands. And I know we had nothing close to that.
But we did have blood. And tears. And that silence right before the big wail. And me wondering if I was a bad parent for driving the rest of the block instead of immediately stopping and looking at the damage. And me parking, jumping out of the car, grabbing the freshly bought frozen chicken nuggets and wrapping the package around his precious finger as I quickly escorted him inside.
In 167 days I have not once questioned the existence God. I have thanked Him. I have been amazed by Him. I have praised Him. I have pleaded with Him. But not once have I really wondered if He was there. (I suppose this now makes you wonder if I did before. Of course, I did. I'm human. I struggled with this particular topic immensely while living in Chicago.) The Lord is my Rock, on which I depend. I cry out and He answers. Our needs have been miraculously met.
On nights like this, I'm left again in awe of God's timing in all of this. Not in the finger smash. that's silly. in ALL of THIS.
I have L at a time when I am surrounded by my friends. I barely see my friends, but they have me surrounded. The best example of that is the family I share my house with. They have the downstairs apartment. We are up. It just so happens I've known them for almost a decade. They are some of my closest friends. They also have a daughter. They also have had a lot of stupid parent errors. They also have had a lot of stupid human errors. In fact, the husband of the family recently smashed his finger. I mean SMASHED his finger. badly. Four months later and he still doesn't have full feeling.
They were home when I crashed through their door this evening with a wailing child. Deryck knew how to make L feel better. "It's going to hurt but you will be okay. Look at mine..." He knew how to make me feel better, "It's not broken. a car window isn't strong enough to break through bone. It's just nerves."
God is good.
He knew what I needed. He knows what I need.
And for 167 days I've had it.
For 167 days I've been a parent.
And I am so glad this adventure gets to continue.
I am so in love with this life.
I am so in love with this boy.
I am so in love with this God.