Anyway, tonight, I make an exception. After all, this blog is all about the truth of the trip. Well, here's tonight's truth. Tonight's no-good, whiny, poor-me truth:
I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. I want to cry when I actually stop to think what I'm doing. I want to call it all off. I want to puke. I am terrified of the cliffs on the 101, the traffic in LA, the long stretches of road, the lack of proper rest stops in South Dakota, the way I will smell after the first 3 days, the animal skins in the Indian villages, the living bears in Yellowstone, my car getting a flat tire in the desert, the infrequency of solid sleep, but, mostly, the uncertainty of life after the trip.
I feel like I'm so close to the trip that I'm starting to lose focus of the trip.
Everyone is talking about it like it's a huge vacation. I'm getting huge discounts places (I just got upgraded at the Hilton! squeal!), which is cool. I'm researching the best things to do in every city. But that's not the point. That was never the point.
I put this trip together for one purpose: to see what God has next for me.
It's hitting more and more that I'm not leaving time for that. Where did I schedule that in between the Lake Mead paddleboat ride and the iO tickets?
I think I'm starting to get really scared because it's one thing to say you want God to direct your path, it's another to let Him. God and I haven't been bffs this year. We've been more like office friends. The kind you see on the street or at the grocery so wave and smile to but keep walking on. I don't want that. I haven't wanted that. I think that happens when you are away from the Bubble. I want God to tell me what's next. However, I also want to be in control. I'm very good at control. Just ask my sister who I left in tears tonight at the end of our phone call. But, so very, very, uncomfortably soon, I will no longer be in control. The time for planning will be over and it will be time to do nothing but trust.
It's like when I do air swings. I love being cranked up. I love swinging down. I hate letting go of the cord. The second I have to let go, is the worst second of the entire experience. Up to this point, in my warped mind, if anything went wrong, I could pull myself to safety with the little piece of rope. But as soon as I let go, everything will fall apart: the rope holding my up will mysteriously be severed in half in midair, the entire apparatus will collapse, and the aliens will finally come to collect all earthlings. Yes, it's for your safety, as well as mine, I hold on.
How conceited am I? It's time to pull the rip cord.
wish me luck. but more importantly, pray for me. thanks.
the nomad
Oh my dear Gwen,
ReplyDeleteThis entry is not about whining it is about expressing your fears which is completely normal! I encourage you to do more of this as you continue the journey. I also encourage you to leave a few days UNPLANNED! Yes that is right... leave a few days for just you and God! I know that is beyond your comfort zone but God is good and if we plan every second then we seldom slow down and actually let God plan for us. God is good and He is on this journey with you. I would also encourage you to set some time each day for just you and him.
Ok so there are my 2 cents worth of encouragement.
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
Dear Nomad,
ReplyDeleteGod came to me in a vision last night and said to tell you She’ll try to join you on the road trip, but She has to go to the Congo first to help some rape victims. She’s very happy, however, that you’re heading west (continuing further along in the same direction as your ancestors) because She thinks some of Her best work in the country can be found out there, and She’s sure you’ll feel Her presence there, even if She takes a bit longer than planned to join you and stops to help out some flood victims in Pakistan. Her western forests are awesome; perfect for a spiritual retreat. And no religious quest would be complete without some time in the desert, so you’re heading in the right direction. She is especially happy that many of the tremendous cultural varieties She has created among people can be experienced in what is, overall, a relatively tolerant atmosphere more and less up and down the entire coast. She knows it’s scary to let Her direct your path, She appreciates your confidence in Her, but you might have to find your own way for the first bit of your journey if things don’t sort themselves out in Mexico and She has to make a stop on Her way west to join you. She only has a few months to sort things out down there before Spring Break. She realizes finding your own path is even scarier than letting Her direct you, but She’s sure you can do it. (She has carefully selected a strong mother for you to help you out.) Knowing how to control - She prefers the word “lead” - is Her gift to you, a gift you must pass on, teach, to others who don't have it. She has given them other gifts that they will share with you. So, recognize that some of their teachings are from Her and accept them. So, in short, Her final message is to kick back, enjoy the ride, and She'll see you there!
A messenger